Ever since I became a mom just before I turned 22 I have wanted little more than to be a good mother. I read countless books, listened to numerous sermons, talked to ample friends and family, and reflected on my own upbringing.
I found loads and loads of advice and tips, honestly far more than a new mom can really process or welcome. Over time all of these ideas and the slew of advice began to swirl around in my head as a means of comparison and self-condemnation because clearly, I was not doing “enough.”
So, You Want to Be a Good Mother?
In order “to be a good mother” I had to spend endless time snuggling with my child so that they never felt any lack, allow and engage in ample craft activities because it is essential for their growth and development, read books ad nauseum because I need to make sure that their brains are developing on time, listen to classical music on repeat because who doesn’t want a little Einstein?
Of course, I also need to make sure I get annual professional photographs to show how much I love them and keep my home spotless because it reveals how much I care, and always respond in perfect love and patience whenever accidents happen to spills occur, because otherwise, I’ll damage them for life…and on and on the list goes (we won’t even go into getting them reading early, taking nature walks daily, and starting preschool by 3).
For me, I saw no clear path on how to be a good mother, and often felt defeated, rundown, empty, inadequate, and absolutely never enough.
None of these things were what I would have naturally leaned toward with such vigor and intensity as everything seemed to profess.
Read to my kids? Of course. Maybe a book or two a day, or every few days. Is that enough?
Take a walk together? Naturally, but every day is so hard when I have little ones who still need naps and I’m just trying to make it through the tantrums or daily comings and goings.
Play together or do crafts? Sure, but the messiness of glitter and sensory bins is way too stressful for me, so can I make it more like cutting and glue? Is that enough?
Over and over I was pummelled with this expectation and that expectation for man-made rules for what it means to be a good mother, and over and over I fell short.
Thankfully, the Lord sat me down in the midst of my heartache and reminded me that He did not have any of these things at the top of His list. What does He require of me?
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”
Deuteronomy 4:6-9
So, You want me to teach my kids about You, as we go through life, as we do various things? I can do that. You want me to talk to them and teach them? I can do that.
I surely can not do it perfectly, but He doesn’t ask me to.
He says, “These commandments…are to be on your hearts.” And they are. While I am far from perfect and have no hope to be on this side of Heaven, I can work daily to try to teach my children about the God I love so much and who loves them, too.
I can tell them about Him as we go through our days, even though I feel like I have no idea what I am doing.
It is not that all of those other things don’t matter, but rather that they matter far less than we tend to think, if at all. And He wanted me to keep my focus on Him so that I could see clearly when the world tried to turn my attention elsewhere.
I’m still a work in progress. I still struggle with feeling like I know how to be a good mother, but I have to trust that my best efforts are good enough, no matter what.
All I can do is love my children, show them my faith, and teach them about my Savior. Whether or not they internalize those things for themselves is up to them, and it is a hard, hard pill to swallow.
So, mama, if you are trying to figure out how to be a good mother because you don’t want to mess up this motherhood thing, here’s the hard truth: you’re going to mess up. Be humble enough to admit it when you do. You’re going to fall short. Be brave enough to be stretched and challenged to grow. You’re going to feel less than. Hold firmly to the faith that HE is enough to fill the gap for you, in time. You’re going to have no idea what you’re doing. Be willing to still lean into the process.
No mother is perfect, as much as we all want to be. Thankfully we have a Savior who is perfect, and if our kids can take a hold of that essential Truth then we won’t need to feel like we need to be God for them…because we aren’t.
I know you want to be a good mother, so never, ever stop trying. Lean in, look up, and reach out to your children, and never stop loving them as you grow through this life together.
Leave a Reply