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This Holy Chaos

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7 Empowering Lessons I've Learned from my Special Needs Child

When our now special needs son became sick over 5 years ago, my entire world was shaken up and turned…
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30 Days of Prayer Series

The 30 Days of Prayer series has been an awesome hit! I've been asked if groups can use it for a women's study and have been contacted internationally about the various … Read More... about 30 Days of Prayer

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I recently experienced a “come to Jesus” momen

I recently experienced a “come to Jesus” moment. I’ve been walking as a Christian for over 20 years now, but the God who searches hearts and minds knew where a broken piece of me was still in shreds: my heart.

Deep inside, I nursed old hurts and wounds, carefully structuring life and words in a way to protect me from being hurt again. And this self-protection kept me in bondage - bondage to fear of man; bondage to fear of suffering; bondage to pain.

See, the flesh desires above all else to ensure its survival, so in our youngest years we develop coping mechanisms that don’t always serve us in a healthy way. We cut people out when they hurt our feelings. We react sharply if someone says something we don’t like. Or we gossip and slander to bring down our “offenders.”

For me, my coping mechanism is distance; silence. “Don’t rock the boat. Don’t offend. Don’t upset them. Just be quiet and it’ll all be ok.”

You know what comes from this lie? Isolation. The world’s mechanisms of protecting ourselves from the so-called toxic people will inevitably create isolated islands of hurt and pain. We can all perceived as toxic to another, because we are all sin-filled bodies of flesh in desperate need of our Savior.

And in recent days, God is bringing this most deep childhood lie to the surface to sanctify me and cleanse me of its noose. Yes, noose. This lie is a snake that has slowly wrapped itself around my mouth and mind until I can hardly breathe. But my God is a God of freedom…

(more in the comments…)

#soulcare #spiritual #spiritualawakening #spiritualgrowth

I’m so thankful for #coffeewiththeking, where I

I’m so thankful for #coffeewiththeking, where I can lay my burdens down and seek the perspective of the Highest One who knows all, sees all, and knows me best.

This season is challenging and fortifying. The Lord continues to show me where my biggest struggles are and reveal to me the areas of brokenness within me that need the greatest healing.

At present, this is “fear of man,” which emerges in my soul with fear of wrongful accusation, persecution, being hated, or even just disliked. Occasions of conflict can bring this heart struggle roaring to the surface and keep me in bondage to the emotional turmoil and spiritual gag on my voice.

But He speaks to me and says, “My grace is sufficient, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So, like Paul, I rejoice in my Abba who is SUPREME and reigns forever.

He loves beyond compare and does not see fit to leave us in our sinful mess, but offers us the chance to be healed and be set free…but how many love their sins? How many protect their “precious”? Like Gollum in the caves, they hide their souls deeper and deeper in lies to protect the idols of the heart.

As a follower of God, I want these sins eradicated. Slice them out, Lord! Do the soul work within me to cleanse me and make me new. Help me to be set free from ALL bondage, at all layers and depths of my soul.

Friends, the work doesn’t end at salvation; it is JUST beginning!

Look to Him for your strength and face Him with full confidence in your vulnerabilities that HE alone is safe and can handle your mess with tender hands while He gently shows you the way through.

Stand firm. Continue to grow. And never stop looking up. Shalom.

#spiritualgrowth #faithwalk #soulcare #firstlove #persecution #christianwalk #hisgraceissufficient

Crocheting soothes my soul. I’ve found myself fe

Crocheting soothes my soul. I’ve found myself feeling a lot of anxiety and pent up stress these last few weeks. My mind has been racing with worries and insecurities. My soul has been processing through old pains made known once more through recent events. I knew I needed some time for stillness and reflection.

Crocheting gets my hands busy to give my mind the freedom needed to process and feel. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I furrow my brow. Often I sit and contemplate the hard of life.

How grateful I am for the grace and mercies of my loving Abba, who calls me out of the darkness and into His Light. He is not content for me to sit in my sinful struggles, bound in lies and chains of deceit, but wishes to set me free. He comes “to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.” - Isaiah‬ ‭42‬:‭7‬

Even though I have walked with Him for over 20 years now, my flesh continues in the process of sanctification. My inner self continues to be cleansed and made new in Him as deeper and deeper layers of internalized lies are made known. What a good God to not leave us in our miry pits.

So, sweet mama, if you’re frazzled and anxious today, hand it over to Him. He can carry your broken pieces and heal your broken heart. He is faithful and trustworthy. Rest your soul in Him…and then enjoy some time with the abundant, life-giving activities you enjoy.

#spiritualgrowth #soulcare #faithwalk #firstlove #sanctification #crochet #largefamilymom #homeschoolmom #homemaking #homemaker

Side garden area is finally pruned, cleared, amend

Side garden area is finally pruned, cleared, amended, and planted (mostly) for the fall growing season. Can’t WAIT for the chill to set in! Final plantings will be onions and garlic sets when they finally come in Oct/Nov.

Fall is absolutely my favorite season for all the things, including gardening 🤩🤩🤩

#backyardgarden #suburbangarden #suburbanhomestead #garden #gardentherapy #homeschoolmom #largefamilymom

Find the beauty in your daily bread: the daily cup

Find the beauty in your daily bread: the daily cup that overflows with God’s mercies and blessings in a day when His Name is taken in vain, ignored, or despised.

Acknowledge the Creator and His incredible creation that sings to glorify His name every moment of every day.

When we teach our children to look for His handiwork and see His purpose in every design, we help them to grasp that they too were made for a purpose and wonderfully made by a good God who loves them dearly.

It may not be perfect. They may not grasp it right away, but plant the seeds anyway and water as often as you can. Let God work on the soil of their hearts so that one day, when the soil is good and the timing is right, faith will bloom and His fruit will blossom. That’s our jobs as mamas for the Kingdom: we are raising up Kingdom representatives in a world that rejects the eternal Kingdom. And that is a calling worth fighting for.

#homemaking #homemaker #homeschool #homeschoollife #homeschoolmom #largefamily #largefamilymom #faith #fearfullyandwonderfullymade

I blew it this week. Back-to-homeschool goals and

I blew it this week. Back-to-homeschool goals and visions left me raw and weary in just one day. This is our 14th year homeschooling and still each year is a struggle to find my footing.

This year my special needs guy’s special needs struck me in the gut.

FAILURE…you are failing him and you have no idea what you’re doing.

That’s correct. I don’t. I often feel lost and very alone in this journey with this family unit that God in His infinite wisdom bestowed upon me.

But, in my knee jerk, flesh-centered desire to run and hide, He found me, caught me, held me, and loved me. He knows my heart and love for my children, including the times when in my weakness I react in ways I don’t want to. These are those essentials times I am brought face-to-face with my inherent, absolute need for Him, because I can’t do any of this in my own power or strength.

So, I welcome Him in. I cry and carry the weight of the world for a little bit, pouring out to Him all of the worries and anxieties I carry for this guy, and all of the others I tend to.

And He meets me right where I am; in my sorrow, in my pit. He just sits there with me as I let it all out, no holding back.

When I’m emptied of all of the burdens I place onto myself, He then begins to replace them with His Truths and His presence, reminding me that I am NOT alone, that HIS yoke is easy, and in HIM I can trust. He reminds me that I can rest and be still in Him. And that He loves my children even more than I do, if I can believe it. He speaks verse after verse to my heart, like Jeremiah 29:11.

Grace. He extends grace.

I don’t have to do it right all of the time. He is not Zeus, ready to throw a lightning bolt my way when I dare show my flawed human capacity.

He is Yahweh, the Most High God.

So, He helps me out of my pit of sorrow, dusts me off and places me back on my feet, leading me back to the kitchen table to face the math and writing and history and science, once more.

And, I know I can handle it…not because I’m so amazing and talented, but because HE is Almighty and I am His child so I can trust that my Daddy has got it when I absolutely do not. And in that I can find my peace.

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